lol. I love that title. yes I stole it from a song. if you can tell me what band or song i’ll give you a dollar or a punch in the throat. which ever comes first. I like to hit people sooooooooooooooooooooo it’ll be the punch. sucks to be your ass. anyways enough chit chat. life fucking sucks man. and unlike most people I can admit that it’s mostly my fault. yeah mostly. maybe 70%. the other 30% is the dickheads around me. most of it has to do with the opposite sex. damn man women are fucking evil. they piss me off so much. the head games they play are getting so old. i’m really starting to believe that I am going to die a lonely grumpy man. to be honest I really do not want that. I would love to have a partner. someone to come home to. someone to cook for. someone to share my loves with. but damn that shit isn’t happening. i’m running out of options here.
Dirty and left out
I’m not going to state the obvious here. lol. But I will say that I suck total ass. But hey that’s okay. ANywho the past few months have been pretty good. After been home for a month I got asked if I would like to help out some friends in ohio. So of course I said yes. I mean why the poop not? Its freaking Killumbus. I love this city and my friends here. A summer here is worth it and it has been. It has been awesome to hang with my friends again and make new ones. and of course all the music, I have gone to 4 festivals since I got here mid june. lol. Great times!!!! Now that all that crap is out of the way lets talk about the real stuff. First off I still have no clue what I am going to do with my life. I’m starting to think that is really sad. lol. oh well. i’ll be okay. at least I think I will. Here is the issue, I love it here and I could do so much here. I have connections here. If I wanted to pursue this writing thing I could, If I wanted to play in a band I could here, if I wanted to do something in a church this is the place for me to be. So it would seem that Killumbus would be my answer but then there is home. I really do miss my family. The month I was home was so nice. I loved hanging with my mom and my aunt. I even enjoyed hanging with my uncle. It’s family. Then there is my relationship with my dad, I want it to be better but the month I was home he put no effort into that as always. I’m tired of this. It has been this way since I was a kid. 33 years of heartache is enough for this guy. I also enjoyed hanging with my bestie. I love that girl, she keeps my ass grounded for sure. And I do the same for her. the other thing is I just miss the south. there truly is no place in this world like it. here is the thing I have 4 months to figure out what is next for me. I decided to stay here in killumbus until the end of the year. then its home or bust for me. we’ll see. I know in my mind that everything I love about here I can find home if I wanted to. I just don’t feel like putting in the effort. but I need to do something. Alls I know is I can’t continue to move the way I do. i also think that i really do want a family. or at least kids. maybe when i get my crap together i’ll just adopt. yeah i think that’s it for now.
home is where the heart is
So I started this blog last month with the hopes of just writing in order to become a better writer. and also to have something to do. I had just quit my job and was getting ready to move back home to Georgia. I wrote two in three days and havent touched it in a month until now. I am now home. yay me!!! Ten years is a very long time to be away from home but I had to get away to find myself. I did a little bit. So coming home i knew it would be different. I would be staying with my mom for a few months, i would be without a job for the first time in 12 years, all my friends have moved away and i’m not the same boy that left ten years ago. I have been home for almost three weeks now. For the most part it has been everything i thought it would be. I have had a lot of alone time to think about my life. The past, the present and the future. They all go together like a bonfire, beer and a guitar. One of the main things i have figured out is I have to let go of the past. The things i did, the person i was and how i thought. I need to let go of the mistakes i made. I need to let go of past relationships. of course my future will be determined by what i’m doing now. I need to finish school, which i am in the process of doing. I finally got my AA. I just need to figure out what to do with my degree when i’m done. How I interact with people and the relationships i will build now will impact the rest of my life. My time is running out i need to figure this out. Right now all i know is when i really think about it, i’m glad i came home. It may not be what i want be it’s what i need. I feel that i need to rebuild relationships. One of the ones i’m stoked about is the one with my dad. We never had a good relationship and I think i’m ready for that now.
So as i’m sitting here listening to Eric Church i can’t help but think about life and what it is. Country music seems to get a bad rep unless it is Taylor Swift and the rest of this pop-country crap. If you actually sit down and listen to it, its real stuff. its about life. It’s real. I have always listened to country music and i always will. There are lessons to be learned in it. Country music gets me thinking more than any genre i feel. Right now i just want to enjoy my life. I want to earn a honest living. i want to enjoy my friends and family. because in the end thats all that matter. And again i’m glad im home. I can do all those things here. I cant do them away from here. There was a point this past week that i thought i made a mistake coming home. But other thinking about it, nah. i’m good here. This is where i belong. My heart is here. It always has been. i just needed to leave to see that. My buddy Chad and I use to talk about the south often. he is from Michigan but has lived in a few states down here and he loves it. he would take about the people and how kind they are, the food and how great it is, the music, the weather and of course the women. The women here are amazing. There is nothing like them anywheres. I say i’m not going to get married but if i do it has to be a southern women. so its a good thing i’m home now. Just in case i change my mind. Most of the time our conversations about the south would come up while listening to country music. again there it is. Country music gets the mind going. lol.
i can’t wait to see what life has in store for me. Its going to be exciting. i know that much. I mean i’m Ray Moore, I’ve been described as cool, awesome, hot, video games, the hottest, and real real hot. so yeah its going to be good. I just have to get there. I’m slowly taking the steps to get there. But in the process im going to enjoy every second of it. Im going to make the best of it. I’m home for good. I’m not going anywhere. Home is where the heart is.
SHould i stay or should i go?
For as long as i can remember church has been a part of my life. As a kid i can remember not looking forward to sunday mornings because that meant church. I would tell my mom things like, “i only get two days to sleep in so i dont want to go”. needless to say it never worked. I always ended up going. When my mom said something you did it. so i dont know why i always had that battle with her. i knew it would end the same every sunday morning. so what i would end up doing most sundays is falling asleep in church, that never went over well with mom. I think that was my way of telling her that i still was going to get my sleep in. yeah i showed her. lol. There came a point when i was in High School that she finally gave us the option of going. i think this was one of those things that parents do to start you on your way. so most sundays i stayed home. that was the start of the end for me. Over the next few years i hardly went to church. I just wasnt a fan of going. I knew about God, i knew who he was and i love him, i just wasnt a fan of church. at that point i really didnt know why. the only thing i can come up with is i was just lazy. so fast forward a few years down the road. i eventually came up with the idea that i didn’t need a building to worship God. That a building wasn’t needed to fellowship. it made sense to me. and i also had Matthew 18:20 to back me up. which says. “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” So i stuck by that. the girl i was dating at the time and i used this to a T. becasue of our jobs we also couldn’t go to church like she wanted so we would go on hikes and just talk about life and god and what was going on with us. we also would do these workbook type things together. so we were still in with the man above. at this point a weird thing happened. i started wanting to go to church. i’m not sure why. i started to enjoy going. i liked being around after christians besides my girlfriend. so when we moved one of the first things on our list was to find a good church home. the first 3 months we were in Columbus we went to a few churches. none of them felt right. it was also around this time that we broke up. and i been the person i am went into a talespin. i started back doing things i hadnt done. however the weird thing about it was i found a church during this time that at first i enjoyed. it felt good to fellowship with other people. i was finding out that a lot of these people liver “normal” lives. They werent the christians i grew up with. They liked the same music i did. they loved camping. the thing for me that was weird was at the house groups they would drink alcohol. and its not my place to judge but i just could not bring myself to take part in that. so i stop going to that church. i have seen over the past few years that more and more churches are doing things to be “cool” so to speak. it has become the norm to plat secular music in church. it has become the norm to see pastors with piercings and tattoos. i myself have tattoos. however i dont see how that matters. church has become something totally different and i am not sure how i really fell about it. i at times find myself missing the church from when i was a kid. do those even exsist anymore. church has become a big production it seems. all these megachurches they are called. i just want a church that i can call home. maybe i should start my own one day. alls i know is we live in a different time but yet how we worship should still be by how it was set up for us. i understand that as a christian we should bring others to know the lord but is it really the way things are going now?
LIFE
so as of today it has been a week since i quit my job. at first i was unsure of it but after a day or so i knew it was the right thing to do. I had given all i could to that company and i was done giving. yes i will miss the kids for the most part but i need to live my life. for the last ten years all i have known was working with kids and i am tired. it was starting at affect me in more ways than i know. the biggest was i wasnt taking care of me. i was becoming a grumpy old man. i wasnt the “ray of sunshine” i have always been. so over the past week i have started back doing some of the things i enjoy. things like reading and writing. hence this blog. before i quit my job a few weeks before i had started writing for a friend’s music site. and i love it. i have always enjoyed writing. it has been an outlet for most of my life. as a matter of fact when i graduated high school 15 years ago i recieved a journalosm scholaship to a christian college but turned it down to play soccer at a smaller school. That lasted about two weeks maybe. While growing up i was A “good kid” i never did anything wrong as far as partying or anything of that nature. so once i got to college i was introduced to drinking, drugs and sex. i kind of lived the life of a rockstar except i wasnt on stage everynight. So in doing so i forgot about soccer and just did that stuff. i eventually dropped out and moved back home. so anyways i continued that lifestyle for a few years. eventaully i took a job in North Carolina working with at-risk youth. i did that for almost 9 years. which brings us to now. so as i was saying over the past week i have started back writing. it has been a good release for me this week. it has been good to get my thoughts out. to express myself. the other thing i have enjoyed this week has been reading. I have been rading this book called Hipster Christianity. it has open my eyes to a few things that i have lost in the past few years. so between having time to read and write i have been able to clear my head and start trying to figure some things out.
rmoore3 